A Divorce Before Marriage

In a society obsessed with imitating foreign cultures marriages are losing sanctity as material things shadow virtue and goodness. Muntaha Hafizi reports how social evils are passed on as norms in a Muslim majority Kashmir

(“It was a different feeling. Start of a new life for me. I was very happy, so were my parents,” says Fatima. Pic: Mirza Ufaq Zehra)

She has a delicate tone as she speaks,  her maroon scarf complements the blush of her light toned face and her black eyes penetrate through, as she voices a story of a fall out.

Fatima, 24, has recently passed her Masters degree in science from one of the few universities in Kashmir. She belongs to an upper middle class family, known as Mirs who are settled in an uptown locality, on the outskirts of the Srinagar city. She is quick, precise and carries a plain personality.

It was October 2014, when Fatima started receiving marriage proposals – a choice of most of the families in Srinagar, to marry off their daughters after they complete their studies. Fatima, the only girl among her two siblings, was quite set, and prepared for one of the special bonds of life – Nikah, an Islamic nuptial agreement.

“It was a different feeling.  Start of a new life for me. I was very happy, so were my parents,” says Fatima.

In the course of proposals Mirs received a proposal from a family who were related to one of their extended families. They were Kundanghars – an upper class, well educated families of Srinagar. The discourse for this proposal was carried by Ahmad, Fatima’s brother-in-law.

And the formal procedure started.

Fatima met Aamir for the first time at a park, accompanied by her cousin sister and one of her uncles, for a ritual called Thaph – a local word for confirmation ceremony.

In Kashmir, a relation starts with the formal meeting of a girl and boy, both accompanied by their families. The family of the boy meets the girl, and simultaneously the family of the girl checks about the would-be groom. And if both settle for the match, the family of the groom confirms it by giving a gold ornament or some cash to the would-be bride – symbolizing the acceptance.

“We met at a park, nearby. I liked the way he was, and I couldn’t think more. My mind was preoccupied by what I had been told,” says Fatima.

Fatima had a premade picture of Aamir in her mind. For her Aamir was the best prospect a girl could ever wish for. He was educated, well behaved and an Ahli-hadith – someone who follows the Sunnah religiously.

Aamir, 29, Fatima’s husband-to-be, was a Junior Engineer by profession, a well settled guy and a man of refined demeanour. His rationale of accepting Fatima was her simple and plain personality.

Fatima fell in love with Aamir, happy to find all the qualities she wished to have in her life partner.

Meeting before Nikah, is an innovation in Kashmiri society.

In 80’s there was no concept of a girl meeting a boy. The family of the groom either used to come directly to the family of the girl, or call her to a nearby park, check for her, and select her accordingly. Simultaneously, the family of the girl used to inquire about the groom through someone, or by themselves, secretly.

Khalida, a house wife from downtown Srinagar remembers her first meeting with her future husband. Married for last 30 years she still remembers the time when marriage was a simple, and a modest affair.

“I accepted the proposal without knowing how the groom actually looked. It was until one day he called me and I went to meet him,” says Khalida, a 58 year old.

She adds in our times, “We submitted ourselves completely to our elders. There was no concept of meeting a boy and there was a proper inquiry by one or two wise members of the family. It was a slow and a well planned affair, that’s why I think our marriages are more successful than the present ones.”

Fatima’s family too followed an orthodox style, however with a slight broader vision. They wanted Fatima to meet her groom and take decision accordingly.

There was an air of celebration at Fatima’s home. The engagement was scheduled for next month.

Fatima’s father Manzoor Ahmad, a grim faced man, with a tall posture, and an engineer by profession, had planned his daughter’s engagement himself to the last bit, like a woman.

“If you ask a father, what’s it to get his daughter married, and how does it feel. Every Father would say, it is the zenith of happiness,” says Manzoor Ahmad.

Fatima’s engagement was splendid. The expenditure was enormous on both sides.

“On my engagement, I received a dowry of around 20 gold coins, with some cash from my in-laws. We too, accordingly sent around 2 quintal chicken to them as a token of love from our side,” says Fatima. As per the current gold rate in Kashmir, 20 coins cost around 5 lakhs.

The gold that a girl receives on her engagement, or other occasions, is part of dowry that mostly goes back with the bride on her marriage. As per Islamic law, the only dowry, that a girl has a complete right on is Mahr- an amount given at the time of Nikah as security to the girl.

In last few years, the extravagance in marriage and excessive dowry demands from the groom’s family has weakened relationships in Kashmir. It has given rise to various evils, such as torture, murder, divorces, and regular marital disputes in the valley. The victims of such evil are still evident in the society.

“It has been more than 20 years, of my marriage. Whenever my husband gets angry, he blames me, even beats me at times. He regrets marrying a woman like me, unlike most of his relatives, my family couldn’t afford dowry,” says Dilshada, a 40-year-old house wife.

In such circumstances, girls like Fatima, have no hint of how easily a marriage can break, or the fragility associated with marriage and the negotiations done to keep the relation healthy and prolonged.

Fatima’s vision however was different.

“I was so pleased by their behaviour. Every time my mother-in-law called she would tell me: cheh chakh meh koor, (you are my daughter),” says Fatima, in a dismayed tone. “I started talking to Aamir after a week of getting engaged,” says Fatima.

A month after the engagement, Fatima received a good news. Her would-be husband’s elder brother had become father of a baby boy. She knew, like other rituals, it was a time for another one.

“We sent a big box (4.5 kilogram) of sweets to them as a token of love. However that was not enough,” says Fatima.

That evening, Ahmad had called Mirs, to convey, how disappointed their in-laws are because of sweets they had sent. They had told Ahmad that: FIR chuwe czonmu, mithai aes kam (FIR was lodged as sweets were less).

“We learnt it from Ahmad that somebody has blessed the baby boy by giving him Rs 22,000 in cash. They expected the same from us as well,” says Fatima.

Everyone was upset that evening.

The months that followed were terrible for Fatima. She was scared to lose Aamir, who she had taken as a partner for the rest of her life. At that point in time, everything was on stake for her.

To bridge all the gaps, as winter season arrived, Mirs decided to share the most celebrated winter feast of Kashmir with their would-be in-laws – Harissa. Around 19 kg’s of Harrisa was sent to Kundanghars.

“We did more than we actually could afford so that things settle up,” says Fatima regretfully.

In Kashmir, the in-laws pressure has led to extravagance, an unavoidable burden to the family of the bride. An average person needs at least 10 Lakh rupees to marry off his daughter.

After sending Harissa Fatima was happy thinking things would settle now. But in the evening a phone call from her in-laws shattered her completely. They demanded a split. Through Ahmad, the news was confirmed.

 “I didn’t understand what happened. All they told was kathan hinz barabari aayi ne (We couldn’t settle on few things),” says Fatima.

In recent years, the trend of divorces, evils of dowry has become rampant in Kashmir, and a concern for many sociologists of the valley.

“Decades ago, Kashmir was known as Reshwer and Pirwer- an abode of saints and sages. There was no immorality, no corruption,” Says Zareef Ahmad Zareef, a celebrated poet of Kashmir.

His concern regarding such social evils is more direct.

“Only those do extravagance who have corrupt money, those who earn by hard labour would never spend money lavishly. They would think before spending it,” says Zareef.

The present form of Wazwan- a multi cuisine, in Kashmir and many other practices associated with marriage have become a nuisance, exploiting the society on the whole. Gifting sweets /dry fruits in highly decorated baskets, fancy cards and other items, show-off and formalities, have punctured the essence of a stable society.

Apart from these, the cases of extra marital affairs are also very rampant in Kashmir. The families are splitting, relations gapping.

“After a year of engagement, I got to know that my fiancé has a relation with some other girl. Our engagement broke off, he was my own cousin,” says Deeba, a 28-year-old lecturer from Srinagar.

In a span of just four months, Fatima’s engagement ended. So did her happiness!

“An imbalance has taken over our society. Marriage system is dwindling. Those who give dowry create a problem for those who can’t afford one. Apart from conflict, poverty, and unemployment, evils like dowry has led to late marriages in Kashmir, indirectly leading to suicides and depression in the youth,” says Zareef.

Also, class difference and qualification difference has led to disputes in the valley.

“In our time every aspect was discussed and analysed, it took more than a year to find a proper spouse. We were glued to the concept of Zache zat – an idea of finding a match suitable in terms of socio-economic compatibility, intelligence and looks,” says Zareef.

Fatima’s attitude is clear and her anger is focused, as she says.

“After the split, the reasons they had told Ahmad was that I looked very plain, and I didn’t have a government job,” says Fatima.

“I don’t understand why people put a fake personality, and use Islam as a shield to hide their weakness. They should have looked for my character and intellect, not my plain personality. If only that was an actual reason,” expresses Fatima.

In Islam, normal criteria for selecting a partner are religion, character, beauty and rank. However, despite being a Muslim majority state, such evils go unchecked in Kashmir. This abnormal thinking has led to backwardness in the society.

After the engagement broke off, Fatima used to cry in private. Losing to dreams, she had tried to live a normal life, following whatever her daily routines entailed.

Despite everything, Fatima protects her feelings closely, and speaks with certainty, fighting the urge not to cry.

“They would never understand how I felt when I saw my father crying for the first time in my life. I felt like divorced before marriage,” says Fatima.

Fatima is hopeless.

“We have such a social order, where nobody prefers to marry a girl who has been rejected. Everyone blames a girl, nobody looks through. In our society, a boy can never be wrong,” says Fatima.

As she talks, she finally stops for a moment, lowers her gaze in disappointment, and says, “Would not anybody marry me then?”